The Minnesota Timberwolves thought they had won the jackpot this summer when Brandon Roy chose them as a destination to resurrect his career…and knees. The comeback tour has officially ended after Roy suffered a freak accident in the middle of the night on Saturday.
Roy had been rehabbing from a knee surgery he underwent in November. Both he and the team expected him to make a full recovery and be able to make a return this season. However, after Saturday, doctors doubt he will be able to walk normally again. Roy was fast asleep in bed when his knees suddenly gave out, waking him up instantly. He looked down to find both of his legs twisted and bent in a gruesome pretzel-like shape. Doctor Chim Richalds, who operated on Roy, weighed in on the accident:
“Brandon’s knees are…can I swear here? Well, they’re fucked. We had to amputate everything below the waist, he’ll be lucky to play basketball ever again.”
When pressed about Roy’s future Dr. Richalds responded,
“Well, he’s done for the year. I can’t rule him out for a return next season though.”
The Duke Men’s basketball team drew an unprecedented 400 personal foul calls on their opponent late last week. In a game against the Temple Owls, the crafty Blue Devils pulled out all the stops in getting to the line a whopping 350 times. Coach Krezek…Krezyfi…Coach K has long been scrutinized for his players’ tendency to “flop” or go down easy at any sign of contact but this was another story. The Dukies even employed the use of drama coaches in the week leading up to the game and each player carried around packets of fake blood. Head official Steve Stevens commented on the wild game:
“At one point the kid that shoots all the 3’s really well took a shot…I swear no one was even close to him but when I looked back he was nearly unconscious and bleeding profusely…I had to call a foul.”
Temple’s entire team fouled out as well as the spirit squad and the volunteer fans that filled in for them. NCAA officials have announced there were no violations in the game and will investigate no further.
Less than two weeks ago, several unnamed New york Jets used the media to bash backup QB Tim Tebow. Now another member of the organization has joined the verbal fray. Sources say a head coach wishing to remain anonymous has spoken out about Tebow.
Tim Tebow is awful. Just awful. I hate that guy and I hate what he does on the football field. Trust me, he’s bad. I’m a coach, not an assistant, not a ball boy, a head fucking coach.
The comments were biting, blunt, and completely necessary. The Jets season is in jeopardy and their starting quarterback has been less than abysmal…the only smart move is to start bad-mouthing the backup QB. When pressed further about the poor play of Mark Sanchez, the anonymous coach said simply:
…I’ve been here for years. What the fuck is up my dudes and dudettes? I feel like I owe you guys a serious press conference. The kind they play on ESPN News but keep counting down to during SportsCenter. The kind of press conference that you don’t really need to hear but it still ends up ruining your commute to or from work. The kind that’s so overblown that you get tricked into watching it for two hours until you realize: “Holy shit I have to piss” or “Oh fuck I’m driving right now.” I wish I could give this to you guys. I really wish I could ruin your days but I can’t. This is the best I can do so instead I’ll transcribe my press conference below.
(Cro walks in openly weeping)
(Cro’s sobs are drowned out by a raucous standing ovation)
(Several beautiful women faint)
CRO:I just want to start off by apologizing for an unexplained and prolonged absence. I feel terrible for abandoning you all when you needed me most.
(Cro collects himself while several pairs of women’s undergarments are thrown onto the stage)
CRO:I will not rest until I have made it up to you. My mission in life is now to become not only the man you want me to be but the man I was destined to be…and write funny blogs. Mostly the blogs thing. Pretty much only the blogs thing. Yikes sorry I got so dramatic…that was weird huh?
(A murmur quickly becomes a roar…the mob is chanting: “WE’RE CONFUSED…WE’RE CONFUSED!”)
CRO:Thank you, I love you and please please please never leave me!
(Men, women, and children alike are left pregnant…with the belief that Cro Jones is back.)
We promised to keep y’all updated on our fantasy league and how we were both performing throughout the year and we have again failed both those who have checked in intermittently and those of you who have followed us loyally. That was probably a run run run-on sentence…I don’t care at this point. Moving on from my increasingly loose grasp of the English language let us check in on the fantasy football season.
I’m fairly certain the Jones Brothers have avoided posting about our fantasy league for the majority of the NFL season. I intend to change that. Let’s start with Bro’s team, “Dream Team Green”. After checking our standings and match-ups this week, it appears that Bro is going to finish tied for first place in the NFC division with a record of 8-6. I’m pretty bad at math but I’m pretty sure Bro is gonna slip into the #2 seed going into our playoffs and in doing so he’s also gonna snag a first round playoff bye. I can’t praise homeboy’s effort enough. Dude started off the season in the cellar with very little chance of climbing out and he’s done exactly that. Bro took a huge hit losing to me in week one and also losing his 1st round pick to injury for the first few weeks of the season but he kept plugging and lo and behold he’s grabbed himself a #2 seed in the playoffs. Bad…ass.
If it pleases the jury, I’d like to turn our attention to my fantasy team: Team Funk. If you recall, after our fantasy draft, I wasn’t too high on my team and even today I still lack confidence. It’s been a long year and up until a few weeks ago, I’ve pretty much avoided any devastating injuries to my team. However, I recently lost my starting QB in Matt Schaub…this has me extremely concerned with my chances going forward. All season long I’ve been squeaking out victories…I can’t even count how many weekly matchups I’ve won by less than 10 points…but despite my small margin of victory, I’ve managed a league-best 12-2 record. Team Funk have battled and worked their way into the #1 seed going into the playoffs. My blue collar crew of lunch-pail players have overachieved and are more than deserving of a first round bye to start the postseason. Even though I’m still extremely nervous about my team moving forward in the playoffs, I’m also incredibly proud of my boys for making it this far. Team Funk now has a 25% chance of winning it all…and while we may not be the most talented team left, I do think we have the most heart.
P.S. With Cro and Bro both earning Byes into the second round…your fearless leaders have a 50% chance of winning our fantasy league!
HEYOOO! See what I did there?!?! Fucking clever as shit. You’re welcome, World.
Amidst the tropical storm that is the myriad of controversies occurring in the sports world right now, I’ve decided to tackle the embattled Lions star first. Also, I used a lot of big words in that last sentence and I’m not positive they all worked…we’ll find out at the monthly grammar review. Let us now turn our attention to the Detroit Lions and star defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh. First and foremost, I’m going to go ahead and apologize for misspelling his name for the rest of the post because let’s face it…that first name is just ridiculous. Not ridiculous in a “I’m insulting his family’s culture and choice” way but more in a “there’s no way I’m gonna refer back to wikipedia every single time I need to use his name in this post” way…which is already like 10 or 15 times. So, without further comedic delay, let us address “Sue”.
There has a been a huge huge huge emphasis on minimizing not just hurtful plays but also any plays that are deemed reckless by the commish this season. Cro Jones’ official stance is that the NFL has gone soft. Let players tackle the quarterback, yea protect his head and all that but don’t flag every big hit just because a QB is involved. Also, stop arbitrarily fining players for random occurrences that naturally come about during the pace of a football game. I’ve seen more fines this year than ever…and most of them are for inadvertent facemasks or aggressive holding calls…it’s absurd. LET THE PLAYERS PLAY. STOP FINING PLAYERS FROM YOUR IVORY FUCKING TOWER FOR NO DAMN REASON. This has happened all over the league not just with my beloved Patriots…there needs to be more discretion everywhere. However, Noodleking Sue is a different story.
The entire Detroit Lions team lacks discipline and this has been made very evident in the last few weeks of the season but Nadakong Sur is the worst offender of all. Nachocheese Soup has been fined time after time after time by Roger Goodell and he even requested a meeting with the commish in order to review his play and see what he was doing wrong. What you’re doing wrong?!?! Nadacooz, every time you sack a QB you try to twist his head off…literally snap his neck assassin style. Not to mention the litany of allegations that you bite, pinch, twist, kick, poke and everything else every single time there’s a pile up at the line of scrimmage. MahnaMahna is a dirty player plain and simple and the entire nation got a glimpse of that when he tried to curbstomp Evan Dietrich-Smith on Thanksgiving Day. Homeboy got suspended for two games and proceeded to get his damn self into a serious car accident two days later so let’s see if NumaNuma Yay can avoid the wrath of the NFL on that one.
In summation, I’d like to say that I do enjoy the Detroit Lions…but I do not root for Nudorama Suck. Also, I’d like to mention to our readers that I deserve a medal for not linking to an American History X clip on the word curbstomp…you’re welcome.