It’s time to get real for a second kiddos.
The setting: Your bedroom.
The time: In your wildest dreams.
This is serious. Picture me, my chiseled physique glowing in the pink and purple light emanating from the lava lamp on your dresser, pulling up a chair AC Slater style. This is so serious I’m not even going to ask why you still have a lava lamp in 2011. Nor am I going to address the alarming amount of FatHeadz plastering your walls (Is that Jeff Goldblum?). In fact, this is so serious, I might start whispering. Then, all of a sudden, I’m standing. BOOM. And there’s a whiteboard behind me. The lights are on, the FatHeadz are gone, it’s time to learn ya something.
I’m not going to throw a bunch of stats at you and try to make my arguments with logic and/or reason. That’s not how we do it here at The Jones Edition. We make our points by being loud and sarcastic. So, with that being said, on to my AFC power rankings!
- New England Patriots- Cro Jones is an unabashed Patriots superfan. I’m never going to dispute that. But the last thing I am is a homer. The Pats have the best quarterback in the game and the best coach in the game. The only weak spot on the 14-2 team from a year ago was the defensive line and they have done more than enough to shore that up this offseason. So far in the two faux-season games we have seen, the revamped D-line appears very formidable with Andre Carter looking like an absolute animal coming off the edge. All the pieces are there this season, a new look defense, more offensive toys for Brady, and more reason to win than ever (Myra Kraft). Now, if only we could get Brady to cut his hair and stop wearing scarves and women’s boots…that was absolute homerism…and I apologize.
- New York Jets- The Jets went out this offseason and shot themselves in the leg..err…foot. (BOOOO) They were able to pick up former stud receiver Plaxico Burress but missed out on the prized Nnamdi Asomugha. They rightfully threw a big contract at Santonio Holmes and cut some dead weight like Kris Jenkins. Pun intended. A lot of people will have you thinking that the Jets are the team to beat in the AFC this season. Like my blogging brethren Bro Jones. Or overweight blowhard Rex Ryan. But this just isn’t true. Yes, the Jets are a good team but Mark Sanchez is an Abercrombie model not a star quarterback. And Rex Ryan belongs at an all-you-can-eat baby buffet. Yes, Rex Ryan eats babies.
- Baltimore Ravens- The Ravens receiving corps is impressive with Anquan Boldin and the acquisition of Lee Evans. And Ray Rice is a little ball of hate. Joe Flacco has all the weapons in place to have a pro-bowl type year and the defense out in Baltimore is always stout. However, Flacco just doesn’t scare me when it counts and if he goes down, so too does Baltimore. Also, I have watched the Wire. It’s a really good show and it takes place in Baltimore. I don’t think I ever need to visit that city.
- Pittsburgh Steelers- Such a boring pick. Such a boring team. Mike Tomlin is a good coach. Troy Polamalu has big hair. Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape chicks and he just got married. The Steelers will win some games, they will lose some games, they will not make it to the Super Bowl. James Harrison will get fined a lot of money.
- Kansas City Chiefs- “That’s great, but who are the Chefs?”. Kansas City is like the junior varsity version of the Patriots. From the players all the way up through the front office, which makes them a good team. Jamaal Charles is an absolute freak. Dude can fly, he just needs to stop going down when someone blows on him too hard. I really wanted to put the Texans here because I root for them every year and they can’t get over the hump but I just can’t pick against the Chefs. So, K.C. gets the nod in the fifth and final spot.
That was serious. I love you.