Most Charitable Man of the Century

Yup. You guessed it. The award goes to the one, the only, Nevin Shapiro! This man’s complete and utter selflessness far exceeds that of anyone in history, including Ghandi, Big Momma Teresa, Princess Diana, Michael Jackson and Nelson Mandela. Ghandi gave up food, Shapiro gave up millions of dollars worth of his honest, hard-earned money. Poor Miami hoodlums and walkers of the night were for the first times in their lives able to put food on the table, care for their loved ones and get the 60-inch plasma with surround sound. Poor 350-pound, overweight lineman were unable to get a date, so what does Shapiro do? He puts his own inhibitions aside and buys them hookers so that they can finally feel what it’s like to intimately connect with a woman. And on top of that, he makes sure that their experience is worry-free by financing solutions to any “problems” that may result in the coming months. What a guy!

The NCAA has the NERVE to punish these unfortunate young men for receiving these charitable donations just because they play football. What kind of world do we live in?! I mean, if I was in college and some guy came up to me and was like “Hey man, do you wanna come back to my multi-million dollar yacht and sip 1907 Heidsieck surrounded by hot bitches?” I’d be like, “fuck yeah.”

N.C.A.A. = National Collegiate Association of Assholes

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