To every Philadelphia native, the cheese steak is more than just a food, but rather a way of life; a bragging point; a source of pride in your local culture. Granted I favor Jim’s on South Street to any other cheese steak in the city, I was saddened to hear about the passing of a true Philadelphia legend, Joey Vento. Vento was the long-time owner and founder of Geno’s Steaks. For those of you who don’t know, Geno’s and Pat’s are two of the most popular steak joints in the city, located across the street from one another, and members of a heated cheese steak rivalry so to speak. Similar to the Yankees and the Red Sox… on second thought, perhaps it is more like the Israelis and the Palestinians.
Geno’s and Pat’s alone are tremendously responsible for the reputation that Philly has for being one of the fattest cities in the country. And I’m ok with that. Cause when I’m eating a “whiz-wit” I don’t give a fuck about anything besides my taste buds. However, Joey Vento’s death has caused some speculation. The guy died (supposedly) of a heart attack. Guy works at a cheese steak shop his whole life and dies of a heart attack… Makes sense. But if you ask me, I think it makes too much sense.
Rumor has it that Vento had made some sort of giant breakthrough in developing a low-calorie cheese steak without compromising the taste whatsoever. Such a huge development would cripple nearly every other cheese steak restaurant in the city. Through my own investigative reporting, I have gathered some information… or rather assumed some information that could lead to a case that would send the whole city into mass hysteria.
When Pat Olivieri (owner of rivaling restaurant Pat’s Steaks… also, sketch last name. Olivieri, Vento, next to Jersey, owning restaurants, you do the math) caught wind of this super-secret low-calorie cheese steak recipe at Geno’s, he knew his business was in jeopardy. Desperate to save his business, he devised a plan to get rid of Vento. He called up his “family”, called in a couple favors, paid/threatened the coroner’s office to list the cause of death as something other than murder. What would be the most logical explanation? A heart attack. Dude died from eating his own damn cheese steaks. Something fishy is going on here….
You’re welcome Philadelphia PD… I just blew your mind.