…I’ve been here for years. What the fuck is up my dudes and dudettes? I feel like I owe you guys a serious press conference. The kind they play on ESPN News but keep counting down to during SportsCenter. The kind of press conference that you don’t really need to hear but it still ends up ruining your commute to or from work. The kind that’s so overblown that you get tricked into watching it for two hours until you realize: “Holy shit I have to piss” or “Oh fuck I’m driving right now.” I wish I could give this to you guys. I really wish I could ruin your days but I can’t. This is the best I can do so instead I’ll transcribe my press conference below.
(Cro walks in openly weeping)
(Cro’s sobs are drowned out by a raucous standing ovation)
(Several beautiful women faint)
CRO:I just want to start off by apologizing for an unexplained and prolonged absence. I feel terrible for abandoning you all when you needed me most.
(Cro collects himself while several pairs of women’s undergarments are thrown onto the stage)
CRO:I will not rest until I have made it up to you. My mission in life is now to become not only the man you want me to be but the man I was destined to be…and write funny blogs. Mostly the blogs thing. Pretty much only the blogs thing. Yikes sorry I got so dramatic…that was weird huh?
(A murmur quickly becomes a roar…the mob is chanting: “WE’RE CONFUSED…WE’RE CONFUSED!”)
CRO:Thank you, I love you and please please please never leave me!
(Men, women, and children alike are left pregnant…with the belief that Cro Jones is back.)
As the post season progresses, and given that I have been absent for quite a while, I felt the need to point out that the Atlanta Braves have decided to change their name to the Atlanta Mets as a result of their horrific downfall out of the wildcard race late in the season. They blew like an 8 game lead or some shit like that. The Mets, angry with the former Braves organization’s decision to steal their name went on the offensive. Mets owner, who chose not to be named due to years of embarrassment, stated,
“You can’t just go out and steal someone’s name like that. We here at the Mets organization are very agitated with Major League Baseball. I will be in meetings with the commissioner later this week, that is for sure. This club has a long standing reputation for taking second stage to the Yankees and we have created the art of choking over decades of poor play. Psh, f****** Braves think they’re so cool…”
He went on to call them “copycats”. ESPN and other media outlets are expected to blow this name calling wildly out of proportion.
The name change is not yet official and is awaiting final approval from the MLB. However, The Boston Red Sox are said to be lobbying for the name as well, and are expected to initiate legal proceedings before any moves become final.
Amongst the turmoil, General Manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates, Neal Huntington is recorded as saying,
“Hey, what about us?”
Jesus. H. Christ…. This has to be one of the most disgusting and terrifying scenarios in recent memory. During a baseball game, Matt Holliday was just minding his own business humming the Captain Planet theme song when… WHOOSH! a fucking moth flies all up in his ear canal. I’ve heard jokes about moths and ears before, but I never really thought it could actually happen in real life. Aaaaaand now I’m completely terrified of moths.
Holliday added that he could feel it moving around in his ear. When they failed to grasp the little bugger with the tweezers, guess what they went to next. Saline solution to rinse it out? Nay. They brought him into a dark room and lured the moth out with a light. If I were Matt Holliday I think that would be my absolute last resort. I can’t even describe the serious mental issues that would result from feeling a moth wriggle free from being ensnared in my ear canal. Fucking gross.
US Weekly: “A former Rodriguez fling remembers seeing portraits of the slugger, 34, as a centaur hanging over his bed.
“He was so vain,” his ex tells Us Weekly. “He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?”
Adds the ex, “It was ridiculous.”
That IS ridiculous! A-Rod’s ex (Jeter) was totally right! I think it’s safe to say that A-Rod is the most arrogant player in sports history. Takin ‘roids, dating kate hudson, kissing his reflection in the mirror,
Granted this whole centaur painting is probably old news… who cares? It doesn’t lessen the fact that it is the most self-centered, egotistical move one could possibly do. White Goodman’s portrait of him grabbing the bull by the horns in Dodgeball didn’t even hold a candle to this shit. It’s frustrating to think that someone like A-Rod can make that much money. And why is he even still in the league?! The guy admittedly used steroids. Since when is that okay?? Seems like he got off with no ramifications whatsoever (besides shrinkage). A-Rod, don’t take this the wrong way but…. I hate you.
Alex Rodriguez has landed himself in hot water once again, this time for discussing his six year old daughter Natasha’s upcoming soccer game. Alex was attending a birthday party for one of his daughter’s friends when he was overheard discussing the upcoming match pitting Natasha against her best friend Stephanie. When Stephanie’s father Steve said he was certain his daughter’s side would prevail, Alex quickly countered with the now infamous quote “I bet my daughter’s team wins it. And I bet they win by at least two goals. Also who’s bringing the orange slices tomorrow, didn’t we do it last game?”
Rodriguez has gotten himself in trouble several times throughout his career for partaking in underground, celebrity poker games. One of these games made headlines recently when a fight reportedly broke out and hard drugs may or may not have been involved. According to sources(my own hunch, and a couple dudes ESPN doesn’t want to reveal), Alex will escape these charges unscathed. However, MLB unofficials say that Alex clearly wagered a bet on his daughter’s “futbol” match and even handicapped the match himself. It appears that on the heels of being cleared for participating in a friendly, high-stakes poker game, Rodriguez has once again landed himself on the wrong side of the law for even discussing the possible outcome of his six year old daughter’s soccer game. According to local officials, Rodriguez wasn’t even at said birthday party and also that said birthday party was clearly invented by yours truly for blogging purposes. I agree with both statements. And to break the “Fourth Wall” for a moment, I don’t even think the dude should be under the microscope for playing cards. I mean, its a fuckin card game for cryin out loud. I really doubt he was playing poker with the likes of:
…DiCaprio and other A-listers who were putting their entire fortunes on the end of A-rod’s bat. It’s a game of poker between disgustingly rich “friends”, let it go, you can’t really police what athletes do off the field or who they do it with. Unless it’s crazy illegal. Which I don’t think poker is.
In order to avoid legal ramifications, I should clarify that this entire post is fabricated. I’m pretty sure Alex has a daughter named Natasha but everything else is a joke and if you believed it…kudos to me.