The Minnesota Timberwolves thought they had won the jackpot this summer when Brandon Roy chose them as a destination to resurrect his career…and knees. The comeback tour has officially ended after Roy suffered a freak accident in the middle of the night on Saturday.
Roy had been rehabbing from a knee surgery he underwent in November. Both he and the team expected him to make a full recovery and be able to make a return this season. However, after Saturday, doctors doubt he will be able to walk normally again. Roy was fast asleep in bed when his knees suddenly gave out, waking him up instantly. He looked down to find both of his legs twisted and bent in a gruesome pretzel-like shape. Doctor Chim Richalds, who operated on Roy, weighed in on the accident:
“Brandon’s knees are…can I swear here? Well, they’re fucked. We had to amputate everything below the waist, he’ll be lucky to play basketball ever again.”
When pressed about Roy’s future Dr. Richalds responded,
“Well, he’s done for the year. I can’t rule him out for a return next season though.”
…I’ve been here for years. What the fuck is up my dudes and dudettes? I feel like I owe you guys a serious press conference. The kind they play on ESPN News but keep counting down to during SportsCenter. The kind of press conference that you don’t really need to hear but it still ends up ruining your commute to or from work. The kind that’s so overblown that you get tricked into watching it for two hours until you realize: “Holy shit I have to piss” or “Oh fuck I’m driving right now.” I wish I could give this to you guys. I really wish I could ruin your days but I can’t. This is the best I can do so instead I’ll transcribe my press conference below.
(Cro walks in openly weeping)
(Cro’s sobs are drowned out by a raucous standing ovation)
(Several beautiful women faint)
CRO:I just want to start off by apologizing for an unexplained and prolonged absence. I feel terrible for abandoning you all when you needed me most.
(Cro collects himself while several pairs of women’s undergarments are thrown onto the stage)
CRO:I will not rest until I have made it up to you. My mission in life is now to become not only the man you want me to be but the man I was destined to be…and write funny blogs. Mostly the blogs thing. Pretty much only the blogs thing. Yikes sorry I got so dramatic…that was weird huh?
(A murmur quickly becomes a roar…the mob is chanting: “WE’RE CONFUSED…WE’RE CONFUSED!”)
CRO:Thank you, I love you and please please please never leave me!
(Men, women, and children alike are left pregnant…with the belief that Cro Jones is back.)
So real quick I just wanted to touch on these new NBA 2K12 commercials I’ve been seeing lately. My first gripe is that they got Brian Wilson of all people to represent Celtics fans. Whaaa? Brian Wilson? The closer for the San Francisco Giants? I just don’t get it…he’s a weird dude and yeah, he’s funny but really? Not only is he not a Boston guy but then he goes and wears this ridiculous getup for the commercial. Come on Brian, you’re better than that. I’m a diehard Celtics fan and I havent dressed like that in…months.
The second thing that bothers me, and this is worse than Brian Wilson, is that they tapped Drake to represent Miami Heat fans. Drake is from Canada. Dude was on Degrassi…that’s like as far from South Beach as it gets. And someone please correct me if I’m wrong but I never saw little Jimmy Brooks rolling around campus rocking any Heat gear. This concerns me. But it also cements my theory that the Miami Heat officially have no real fans. Just people that think its sexy to root for those douchebags. I’ll keep my Lebron bashing for another post, maybe if the NBA ever returns, or if Lebron beats up an infant at one of his basketball camps to prove he was tougher. However, these commercials are so unauthentic it’s not even funny…but I bet it’s gonna be a good game…I heard lockout mode is fun as shit.