Anonymous Jets Head Coach Says Tebow Is “Just Awful.”

Less than two weeks ago, several unnamed New york Jets used the media to bash backup QB Tim Tebow.  Now another member of the organization has joined the verbal fray.  Sources say a head coach wishing to remain anonymous has spoken out about Tebow.

Tim Tebow is awful.  Just awful.  I hate that guy and I hate what he does on the football field.  Trust me, he’s bad.  I’m a coach, not an assistant, not a ball boy, a head fucking coach.

The comments were biting, blunt, and completely necessary.  The Jets season is in jeopardy and their starting quarterback has been less than abysmal…the only smart move is to start bad-mouthing the backup QB.  When pressed further about the poor play of Mark Sanchez, the anonymous coach said simply:

Yeah, I think he’s incredibly good looking.

Carmen San Diego

Advertisements

Don’t Call It A Comeback

…I’ve been here for years.  What the fuck is up my dudes and dudettes?  I feel like I owe you guys a serious press conference.  The kind they play on ESPN News but keep counting down to during SportsCenter.  The kind of press conference that you don’t really need to hear but it still ends up ruining your commute to or from work.  The kind that’s so overblown that you get tricked into watching it for two hours until you realize: “Holy shit I have to piss” or “Oh fuck I’m driving right now.”  I wish I could give this to you guys.  I really wish I could ruin your days but I can’t.  This is the best I can do so instead I’ll transcribe my press conference below.

(Cro walks in openly weeping)

CRO:Hello.

(Cro’s sobs are drowned out by a raucous standing ovation)

CRO:Shhhhhhh

(Several beautiful women faint)

CRO:I just want to start off by apologizing for an unexplained and prolonged absence.  I feel terrible for abandoning you all when you needed me most.

(Cro collects himself while several pairs of women’s undergarments are thrown onto the stage)

CRO:I will not rest until I have made it up to you.  My mission in life is now to become not only the man you want me to be but the man I was destined to be…and write funny blogs.  Mostly the blogs thing.  Pretty much only the blogs thing.  Yikes sorry I got so dramatic…that was weird huh?

(A murmur quickly becomes a roar…the mob is chanting: “WE’RE CONFUSED…WE’RE CONFUSED!”)

CRO:Thank you, I love you and please please please never leave me!

(Men, women, and children alike are left pregnant…with the belief that Cro Jones is back.)

Image

Cro Vs. Bro…Late Season Recap

We promised to keep y’all updated on our fantasy league and how we were both performing throughout the year and we have again failed both those who have checked in intermittently and those of you who have followed us loyally.  That was probably a run run run-on sentence…I don’t care at this point.  Moving on from my increasingly loose grasp of the English language let us check in on the fantasy football season.

I’m fairly certain the Jones Brothers have avoided posting about our fantasy league for the majority of the NFL season.  I intend to change that.  Let’s start with Bro’s team, “Dream Team Green”.  After checking our standings and match-ups this week, it appears that Bro is going to finish tied for first place in the NFC division with a record of 8-6.  I’m pretty bad at math but I’m pretty sure Bro is gonna slip into the #2 seed going into our playoffs and in doing so he’s also gonna snag a first round playoff bye.  I can’t praise homeboy’s effort enough.  Dude started off the season in the cellar with very little chance of climbing out and he’s done exactly that.  Bro took a huge hit losing to me in week one and also losing his 1st round pick to injury for the first few weeks of the season but he kept plugging and lo and behold he’s grabbed himself a #2 seed in the playoffs.  Bad…ass.

If it pleases the jury, I’d like to turn our attention to my fantasy team: Team Funk.  If you recall, after our fantasy draft, I wasn’t too high on my team and even today I still lack confidence.  It’s been a long year and up until a few weeks ago, I’ve pretty much avoided any devastating injuries to my team.  However, I recently lost my starting QB in Matt Schaub…this has me extremely concerned with my chances going forward.  All season long I’ve been squeaking out victories…I can’t even count how many weekly matchups I’ve won by less than 10 points…but despite my small margin of victory, I’ve managed a league-best 12-2 record.  Team Funk have battled and worked their way into the #1 seed going into the playoffs.  My blue collar crew of lunch-pail players have overachieved and are more than deserving of a first round bye to start the postseason.  Even though I’m still extremely nervous about my team moving forward in the playoffs, I’m also incredibly proud of my boys for making it this far.  Team Funk now has a 25% chance of winning it all…and while we may not be the most talented team left, I do think we have the most heart.

P.S.  With Cro and Bro both earning Byes into the second round…your fearless leaders have a 50% chance of winning our fantasy league!

P.P.S.  We love you.  Always.

 

 

Ndamukong Suck

HEYOOO!  See what I did there?!?!  Fucking clever as shit.  You’re welcome, World.

Amidst the tropical storm that is the myriad of controversies occurring in the sports world right now, I’ve decided to tackle the embattled Lions star first.  Also, I used a lot of big words in that last sentence and I’m not positive they all worked…we’ll find out at the monthly grammar review.  Let us now turn our attention to the Detroit Lions and star defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh.  First and foremost, I’m going to go ahead and apologize for misspelling his name for the rest of the post because let’s face it…that first name is just ridiculous.  Not ridiculous in a “I’m insulting his family’s culture and choice” way but more in a “there’s no way I’m gonna refer back to wikipedia every single time I need to use his name in this post” way…which is already like 10 or 15 times.  So, without further comedic delay, let us address “Sue”.

There has a been a huge huge huge emphasis on minimizing not just hurtful plays but also any plays that are deemed reckless by the commish this season.  Cro Jones’ official stance is that the NFL has gone soft.  Let players tackle the quarterback, yea protect his head and all that but don’t flag every big hit just because a QB is involved.  Also, stop arbitrarily fining players for random occurrences that naturally come about during the pace of a football game.  I’ve seen more fines this year than ever…and most of them are for inadvertent facemasks or aggressive holding calls…it’s absurd.  LET THE PLAYERS PLAY.  STOP FINING PLAYERS FROM YOUR IVORY FUCKING TOWER FOR NO DAMN REASON.  This has happened all over the league not just with my beloved Patriots…there needs to be more discretion everywhere.  However, Noodleking Sue is a different story.

The entire Detroit Lions team lacks discipline and this has been made very evident in the last few weeks of the season but Nadakong Sur is the worst offender of all.  Nachocheese Soup has been fined time after time after time by Roger Goodell and he even requested a meeting with the commish in order to review his play and see what he was doing wrong.  What you’re doing wrong?!?!  Nadacooz, every time you sack a QB you try to twist his head off…literally snap his neck assassin style.  Not to mention the litany of allegations that you bite, pinch, twist, kick, poke and everything else every single time there’s a pile up at the line of scrimmage.  MahnaMahna is a dirty player plain and simple and the entire nation got a glimpse of that when he tried to curbstomp Evan Dietrich-Smith on Thanksgiving Day.  Homeboy got suspended for two games and proceeded to get his damn self into a serious car accident two days later so let’s see if NumaNuma Yay can avoid the wrath of the NFL on that one.

In summation, I’d like to say that I do enjoy the Detroit Lions…but I do not root for Nudorama Suck.  Also, I’d like to mention to our readers that I deserve a medal for not linking to an American History X clip on the word curbstomp…you’re welcome.

Depression Has Invaded My Fanhood

As with most die hard fans, there are a select few number of teams that consume the entirety of my passion for sports. First and foremost, I have been an Eagles fan since I was just a little Niño. Everyone who is not from Philly hates the Eagles, which I guess is understandable, but I live for this team. Coming into the season hopes were high as we completely decimated the free agent board. Now, sitting at 4-8 with no hope of the post season, I sit with a sense of underachievement that supersedes any moment in my existence. Even more than when I got denied by the girl I was trying to “settle for” 2 weeks ago. Man, I’m at an all-time low.

Additionally, my beloved Clemson Tigers got off to a phenomenal 8-0 start before crumbling to Georgia Tech. And then the mediocre-at-best NC State. And then the most disgusting, disgraceful, etc etc etc team on earth, the South Carolina Penises….. I mean Dicks….. I mean Cocks, man I always mess that up! Tonight we face Vagina Tech in the ACC Championship. Given the way we’ve been playing lately, I’m not that optimistic, but one can still hope.

Sigh,

Bro

PS: At least my fantasy team is dominating. Both Cro and I had started off at the bottom of the league but now are on top of the AFC and NFC respectively. I have to say I saw that coming. Great managing.

PPS: I love you all.

Tailgaters Being Attacked By Packs Of Vicious Toddlers

A violent epidemic is sweeping through parking lots across the country, affecting fans of many of the nation’s football teams.  All across the United States, professional football tailgates are being ruined by roving gangs of increasingly violent toddlers.  First reported in Buffalo, the child-size gangs have gained a foothold and quickly spread across the country.  Early reports state that the gangs generally consist of five or six toddlers that appear to be wandering aimlessly until they come across a group of adults they deem to be “acceptable” enough to infiltrate.  At this point, the toddlers begin begging for hugs, food, “their mommies”, “ta tas” or milk, boo boo’s, or “papa”.  Tailgaters have begun to panic  in response to the situation which has made everything a lot worse than originally expected.

Before a recent Indianapolis Colts game, an unusually large gang of toddlers descended upon the parking lot of Lucas Oil stadium sending Colts fans into a frenzy.  Steve Mitchell of Carmel recounted the horrific incident:

“We was all hanging out throwin’ back a few beers ya’ know, when all’s of a sudden this group o’ kids shows up outta nowhere.  One of em just walks on up to Jimmy O’Keefe and she says to him she says “Mommy?  Where’s my mommy?”  Jimmy screamed and grabbed her by the head and threw her the other way and then took off towards his truck.  We all kind of freaked out and tried to run but there was more of em waitin’ for us, that’s when we lost Bobby.”

At this point Mr. Mitchell breaks down into tears and is unable to go on with his story.  We were able to find another witness from the same tailgate who was able to finish where Mr. Mitchell left off…

“Bobby was in the middle of winning a bet.  The dude never lost a bet, and it probably cost him his life.  He was trying to put the finishing touches on a 2 pound serving of cheese fries when the kids showed up.  He never saw em comin’.  He just kept eating and before he knew it they were hugging his leg asking to “go home.”  We had to leave him, we had no choice alright!?  They were coming from every direction, our only choice was to run for it.  We lost a lot of friends out there.  Those kids just don’t quit.  Every time you turned around you’d see another friend surrounded by toddlers begging for their mothers or asking for help.  The worst part was, once they caught you, you couldn’t keep drinking.  The vendors thought they were our kids and would cut us off.  It was hell.  It was worse than hell.  It was like being a parent…”

Thousands of NFL fans have been through a similar nightmare, no one is sure when or even if it will end.  At this point, there is no cure and there is no hope in sight.  Daycare centers have sprung up at a few stadiums across the country hoping to at least stem the problem but there is no data to support that this strategy has any effect on the toddler gangs.  NFL games will continue to be played despite the dire circumstances that surround the league, and until a permanent solution can be found to deal with the problem, we offer this short list that may be able to help.

  1. Show up hours before the game with a large group of people and make sure you have a large fire going for your tailgating festivities.  The bigger the flames, the smaller the chance of attack.
  2. No fat chicks.  The toddler gangs gravitate toward mother figures…the chubbier the woman, the more she resembles a new mom.
  3. No fat chicks.
  4. Play catch with a regulation size football.  Throwing around a small ball or NERF football is just asking for trouble.  Not only will you have people questioning your manhood, but you’re begging to be attacked by a horde of kids.
  5. Grill only burgers, sausages, and thick hot dogs…don’t make exceptions for hot chicks asking to throw a skinless chicken breast on the grill or if you can actually make a “grilled” cheese.  Nothing but annoying chicks and gangs of toddlers will result from making exceptions.
  6. Listen to sports radio or classic rock…anything else leaves you open to an attack.  Any other radio station could play anything at any given time which will draw the toddlers…and any unknown station could play ads or segments that attract the hordes.
  7. Finally…only speak and yell in a deep voice…bark and growl as much as possible…never show emotion.
  8. No fat chicks.