As with most die hard fans, there are a select few number of teams that consume the entirety of my passion for sports. First and foremost, I have been an Eagles fan since I was just a little Niño. Everyone who is not from Philly hates the Eagles, which I guess is understandable, but I live for this team. Coming into the season hopes were high as we completely decimated the free agent board. Now, sitting at 4-8 with no hope of the post season, I sit with a sense of underachievement that supersedes any moment in my existence. Even more than when I got denied by the girl I was trying to “settle for” 2 weeks ago. Man, I’m at an all-time low.
Additionally, my beloved Clemson Tigers got off to a phenomenal 8-0 start before crumbling to Georgia Tech. And then the mediocre-at-best NC State. And then the most disgusting, disgraceful, etc etc etc team on earth, the South Carolina Penises….. I mean Dicks….. I mean Cocks, man I always mess that up! Tonight we face Vagina Tech in the ACC Championship. Given the way we’ve been playing lately, I’m not that optimistic, but one can still hope.
PS: At least my fantasy team is dominating. Both Cro and I had started off at the bottom of the league but now are on top of the AFC and NFC respectively. I have to say I saw that coming. Great managing.
You look great. Have you lost weight? I like your new haircut. We wanted to call so many times but we just didn’t know what to say. The way we left things last time was just too weird. Basically what we’re trying to say is…sorry. We’re sorry we disappeared after promising it would never happen again. We’re sorry we’ve missed the majority of the NFL season. But most of all we’re sorry for naming our first child Jerry Sandusky Jones Edition Jones…it was weird on so many levels even before the whole child abuse thing. Mainly because our first child was a girl. Anywho, we really miss you. And this time we promise we’re not going anywhere. If you’re willing to trust that we’re back for realsies…we’re willing to be faster, stronger, and better than ever. And that’s a tentative promise.
A violent epidemic is sweeping through parking lots across the country, affecting fans of many of the nation’s football teams. All across the United States, professional football tailgates are being ruined by roving gangs of increasingly violent toddlers. First reported in Buffalo, the child-size gangs have gained a foothold and quickly spread across the country. Early reports state that the gangs generally consist of five or six toddlers that appear to be wandering aimlessly until they come across a group of adults they deem to be “acceptable” enough to infiltrate. At this point, the toddlers begin begging for hugs, food, “their mommies”, “ta tas” or milk, boo boo’s, or “papa”. Tailgaters have begun to panic in response to the situation which has made everything a lot worse than originally expected.
Before a recent Indianapolis Colts game, an unusually large gang of toddlers descended upon the parking lot of Lucas Oil stadium sending Colts fans into a frenzy. Steve Mitchell of Carmel recounted the horrific incident:
“We was all hanging out throwin’ back a few beers ya’ know, when all’s of a sudden this group o’ kids shows up outta nowhere. One of em just walks on up to Jimmy O’Keefe and she says to him she says “Mommy? Where’s my mommy?” Jimmy screamed and grabbed her by the head and threw her the other way and then took off towards his truck. We all kind of freaked out and tried to run but there was more of em waitin’ for us, that’s when we lost Bobby.”
At this point Mr. Mitchell breaks down into tears and is unable to go on with his story. We were able to find another witness from the same tailgate who was able to finish where Mr. Mitchell left off…
“Bobby was in the middle of winning a bet. The dude never lost a bet, and it probably cost him his life. He was trying to put the finishing touches on a 2 pound serving of cheese fries when the kids showed up. He never saw em comin’. He just kept eating and before he knew it they were hugging his leg asking to “go home.” We had to leave him, we had no choice alright!? They were coming from every direction, our only choice was to run for it. We lost a lot of friends out there. Those kids just don’t quit. Every time you turned around you’d see another friend surrounded by toddlers begging for their mothers or asking for help. The worst part was, once they caught you, you couldn’t keep drinking. The vendors thought they were our kids and would cut us off. It was hell. It was worse than hell. It was like being a parent…”
Thousands of NFL fans have been through a similar nightmare, no one is sure when or even if it will end. At this point, there is no cure and there is no hope in sight. Daycare centers have sprung up at a few stadiums across the country hoping to at least stem the problem but there is no data to support that this strategy has any effect on the toddler gangs. NFL games will continue to be played despite the dire circumstances that surround the league, and until a permanent solution can be found to deal with the problem, we offer this short list that may be able to help.
Show up hours before the game with a large group of people and make sure you have a large fire going for your tailgating festivities. The bigger the flames, the smaller the chance of attack.
No fat chicks. The toddler gangs gravitate toward mother figures…the chubbier the woman, the more she resembles a new mom.
No fat chicks.
Play catch with a regulation size football. Throwing around a small ball or NERF football is just asking for trouble. Not only will you have people questioning your manhood, but you’re begging to be attacked by a horde of kids.
Grill only burgers, sausages, and thick hot dogs…don’t make exceptions for hot chicks asking to throw a skinless chicken breast on the grill or if you can actually make a “grilled” cheese. Nothing but annoying chicks and gangs of toddlers will result from making exceptions.
Listen to sports radio or classic rock…anything else leaves you open to an attack. Any other radio station could play anything at any given time which will draw the toddlers…and any unknown station could play ads or segments that attract the hordes.
Finally…only speak and yell in a deep voice…bark and growl as much as possible…never show emotion.
Mad props to the people at Adidas for creating this commercial. I am not a Bulls fan, but I’ve always liked D-Rose. So much metaphor going on here. Like, he’s on the bulls so he comes out and plays the part of the bull in the bull ring. Genius. He swiftly dodges all of the spears and matadors with the help of his fresh new Adidas kicks. At the end he dunks and the crowd goes crazy and showers him with roses…. because his last name is Rose. Get it? Whoever it was at Adidas that stood up in the meeting and was like “hey, Bullfights have Bulls and Roses…. we should make a Derek Rose commercial with him in a bull fight” should totally be promoted. Great job.
So I finally had a day off and spent the morning watching some Sportscenter and OTL hoping for the appearance of Mark Schlereth to give me some new material for a post. Instead, I had to listen to Skip Bayless drone on and on about the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. I had hated Skip Bayless for quite some time, but in the past few months I had begun to come around and actually quite liked him as an analyst. Until today when Skip slingshotted himself back down to the depths of Schlereth in the Bro Jones Bottom Feeders.
First of all, he keeps trying to say that Tony Romo is one of the best QBs in the league.
Everyone: “Man the Cowboys are in some trouble this year.”
Skip: “Yeah but they have Tony Romo.”
Skip: “Romo is such a stud, I want Romo in or around my mouth.”
Then, he goes on to attack my Philadelphia Eagles, which is to be expected and I can’t knock anyone for doing that after the start they’ve had. But get this, Skip Bayless says that the Eagles would be a better team if they started VINCE YOUNG instead of MICHAEL VICK. Everyone on set stared at him in disbelief before they shit on his opinion. He was talking about how he threw 4 picks yesterday and it’s his unpredictable, high-risk play that makes the team play poorly. A few weeks earlier people were criticizing Tony Romo for throwing 4 interceptions and Skip rushes to Romo’s defense by saying that two of the interceptions were tipped and not his fault. Which was exactly what happened with Vick yesterday, except in Skip’s mind “he takes high risk chances that cause the balls to get tipped and intercepted.” Fucking idiot.
Not only does he want Tony Romo, but he absolutely worships Tim Tebow as well. Amongst his drooling for Tebow on the show today, he took a shot at Brandon Lloyd in one of the most far-fetched conspiracies I’ve ever heard. Brandon Lloyd is admittedly friends with Kyle Orton and said publicly that he should be the starter several weeks ago. In yesterday’s game, Tebow came in at QB and threw a 2-point conversion pass to Brandon Lloyd who almost made a diving catch that was batted away by the CB in a great defensive effort. Skip thinks that Brandon Lloyd unconsciously dropped the ball on purpose on an easily catchable pass (it wasn’t whatsoever) because he wanted to make Tebow look bad so Orton would start again………..What?
Those on set replied with what seemed to be the collective response of “What the fuck are you talking about?”
So real quick I just wanted to touch on these new NBA 2K12 commercials I’ve been seeing lately. My first gripe is that they got Brian Wilson of all people to represent Celtics fans. Whaaa? Brian Wilson? The closer for the San Francisco Giants? I just don’t get it…he’s a weird dude and yeah, he’s funny but really? Not only is he not a Boston guy but then he goes and wears this ridiculous getup for the commercial. Come on Brian, you’re better than that. I’m a diehard Celtics fan and I havent dressed like that in…months.
The second thing that bothers me, and this is worse than Brian Wilson, is that they tapped Drake to represent Miami Heat fans. Drake is from Canada. Dude was on Degrassi…that’s like as far from South Beach as it gets. And someone please correct me if I’m wrong but I never saw little Jimmy Brooks rolling around campus rocking any Heat gear. This concerns me. But it also cements my theory that the Miami Heat officially have no real fans. Just people that think its sexy to root for those douchebags. I’ll keep my Lebron bashing for another post, maybe if the NBA ever returns, or if Lebron beats up an infant at one of his basketball camps to prove he was tougher. However, these commercials are so unauthentic it’s not even funny…but I bet it’s gonna be a good game…I heard lockout mode is fun as shit.