Anonymous Jets Head Coach Says Tebow Is “Just Awful.”

Less than two weeks ago, several unnamed New york Jets used the media to bash backup QB Tim Tebow.  Now another member of the organization has joined the verbal fray.  Sources say a head coach wishing to remain anonymous has spoken out about Tebow.

Tim Tebow is awful.  Just awful.  I hate that guy and I hate what he does on the football field.  Trust me, he’s bad.  I’m a coach, not an assistant, not a ball boy, a head fucking coach.

The comments were biting, blunt, and completely necessary.  The Jets season is in jeopardy and their starting quarterback has been less than abysmal…the only smart move is to start bad-mouthing the backup QB.  When pressed further about the poor play of Mark Sanchez, the anonymous coach said simply:

Yeah, I think he’s incredibly good looking.

Carmen San Diego

Cro Jones Preseason Power Rankings AFC

It’s time to get real for a second kiddos.

The setting: Your bedroom.

The time: In your wildest dreams.

This is serious.  Picture me, my chiseled physique glowing in the pink and purple light emanating from the lava lamp on your dresser, pulling up a chair AC Slater style.  This is so serious I’m not even going to ask why you still have a lava lamp in 2011.  Nor am I going to address the alarming amount of FatHeadz plastering your walls (Is that Jeff Goldblum?).  In fact, this is so serious, I might start whispering.  Then, all of a sudden, I’m standing.  BOOM.  And there’s a whiteboard behind me.  The lights are on, the FatHeadz are gone, it’s time to learn ya something.

I’m not going to throw a bunch of stats at you and try to make my arguments with logic and/or reason.  That’s not how we do it here at The Jones Edition.  We make our points by being loud and sarcastic.  So, with that being said, on to my AFC power rankings!

  1. New England Patriots- Cro Jones is an unabashed Patriots superfan.  I’m never going to dispute that.  But the last thing I am is a homer.  The Pats have the best quarterback in the game and the best coach in the game.  The only weak spot on the 14-2 team from a year ago was the defensive line and they have done more than enough to shore that up this offseason.  So far in the two faux-season games we have seen, the revamped D-line appears very formidable with Andre Carter looking like an absolute animal coming off the edge.  All the pieces are there this season, a new look defense, more offensive toys for Brady, and more reason to win than ever (Myra Kraft).  Now, if only we could get Brady to cut his hair and stop wearing scarves and women’s boots…that was absolute homerism…and I apologize.
  2. New York Jets- The Jets went out this offseason and shot themselves in the leg..err…foot.  (BOOOO)   They were able to pick up former stud receiver Plaxico Burress but missed out on the prized Nnamdi Asomugha.  They rightfully threw a big contract at Santonio Holmes and cut some dead weight like Kris Jenkins.  Pun intended.  A lot of people will have you thinking that the Jets are the team to beat in the AFC this season.  Like my blogging brethren Bro Jones.  Or overweight blowhard Rex Ryan.  But this just isn’t true.  Yes, the Jets are a good team but Mark Sanchez is an Abercrombie model not a star quarterback.  And Rex Ryan belongs at an all-you-can-eat baby buffet.  Yes, Rex Ryan eats babies.
  3. Baltimore Ravens-  The Ravens receiving corps is impressive with Anquan Boldin and the acquisition of Lee Evans.  And Ray Rice is a little ball of hate.  Joe Flacco has all the weapons in place to have a pro-bowl type year and the defense out in Baltimore is always stout.  However, Flacco just doesn’t scare me when it counts and if he goes down, so too does Baltimore.  Also, I have watched the Wire.  It’s a really good show and it takes place in Baltimore.  I don’t think I ever need to visit that city.
  4. Pittsburgh Steelers-  Such a boring pick.  Such a boring team.  Mike Tomlin is a good coach.  Troy Polamalu has big hair.  Ben Roethlisberger loves to rape chicks and he just got married.  The Steelers will win some games, they will lose some games, they will not make it to the Super Bowl.  James Harrison will get fined a lot of money.
  5. Kansas City Chiefs-  “That’s great, but who are the Chefs?”.  Kansas City is like the junior varsity version of the Patriots.  From the players all the way up through the front office, which makes them a good team.  Jamaal Charles is an absolute freak.  Dude can fly, he just needs to stop going down when someone blows on him too hard.  I really wanted to put the Texans here because I root for them every year and they can’t get over the hump but I just can’t pick against the Chefs.  So, K.C. gets the nod in the fifth and final spot.

That was serious.  I love you.

  

Bro Jones’ Top 5 in Preseason AFC Power Rankings

Ok, so onto the AFC. Some of the rankings may look pretty typical, but I might change my mind last minute and throw you all a curveball. And perhaps a choice or two that will infuriate my esteemed colleague, Cro.

1. New York Jets – How ya like them apples? Mark ‘Dirty’ Sanchez will continue to improve his blossoming career with the likes of Santonio Holmes returning at WR, and the addition of Plaxico ‘Cheddar Bob’ Burress. Darrell Revis is OK. Everyone is paying attention to running backs Shonn Greene and LaDainian Tomlinson, but the scary thing is, the thing that makes this team the most elite bunch in the AFC, is that at any moment they could substitute in John Conner, third year running back out of Kentucky. Most of you didn’t realize that this kid not only managed to save earth from man-killing robots, but can also run a 4.5 – 40. Additionally, he’s got cyborg Arnold Schwarzenegger wielding a shotgun to protect his every cut and juke. That’s one hell of a lead blocker if ya ask me.

2. New England Patriots – Tom Brady is now 34 years old. I think it’s about time everybody stop worshipping him. I’m not saying he’s not going to put up mad numbers and reach the Pro Bowl again, but let’s face it; the guy is a little on the feminine side. If he wasn’t with such a slammin woman I’d say he was straight up batting for the other team. They get points for having Bill Belichick too. He’s one sly motherfucker. The dude knows how to cheat like nobody’s business, and hey, it’s only cheating if you get caught. Albert Haynesworth is a terrifying addition to the Pats. He’s had quite a sketchy past in Washington, but ole’ Bill will keep him in check…in Beli-check (get it?!). That goes for Ochocinco as well. Terrific pickup. Welker, Branch and Ochocinco… dayummmm!

3. Kansas City Chiefs – Boom! Curveball! The Kansas City Chiefs are going to be real competitive this season. Now that the team is respectable again, Arrowhead has become a distinct advantage for the Chiefs. I can’t wait for ‘Free Bow and Arrow’ day. They’ve also hired a native tribal witch doctor to their medical staff. All of their water/gatorade this season will be comparable to the blessed Alaskan Glacier Water in The Water Boy. Imagine Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe on that shit…. Fantasy. Allstars.

4. Indianapolis Colts – Oh whoop-dee-doo. Jets, Pats, Colts… REAL original. I know I know. But it’s Peyton! The dude is the triple threat, All-Star QB, Funny Actor, and avid alligator wrestler. He does it all. Ok… maybe I made that last one up, whatever. Reggie Wayne and Peyton are like peanut butter and jelly, their connection is just flawless. And Jeff Saturday, single-handedly ended the lockout. Fact. Dwight Freeney eats children…. and quarterbacks.

5. Pittsburgh Steelers – James Harrison is invincible when it comes to fines now. Or at least he thinks so, which in the long run will result in multiple suspensions for him, crippling the defense. Goodell was just waiting until all of the smoke cleared to start retaliating to Harrison’s comments. I can see it now. “Harrison was fined $75,000 for grabbing the facemask. Goodell also added that he will now have to pay child support for all of Antonio Cromartie’s children.” Big Ben gets away with underage molestation, but Harrison will get fined for every tweet from here on out. Can’t wait for the next Troy Polamalu Head & Shoulders ad.

Bro Jones’ Top 5 in Preseason NFC Power Rankings

Ok, we’re going to examine the preseason favorites in the NFL this season by conference. Keep in mind that there will be little to no factual or statistical evidence supporting these selections, but they’re accurate… trust me.

1. Philadelphia Eagles – Duh. I mean c’mon. Michael Vick (most dynamic QB of all time, noted animal lover, Pro Bowler), LeSean McCoy (most underrated RB in the league), Jeremy Maclin (got mono cause he made out with your girlfriend but will probably be better in time for the opener), DeSean Jackson (Best receiver making less than 600k a year), yadda yadda yadda. Oh yeah, and they have the three best CB’s in the league (suck it Revis). With Babin and Cole at DE and Cullen Jenkins at DT, Sacks/INT galore this season. Nnamdi Awesome-wa. Boom.

2. Green Bay Packers – Reigning Super Bowl champs, they’re probably going to be a contender this year. The poor little miserable city of Green Bay has nothing going for it besides the Packers, so I kinda root for them so the people there can feel something besides the -30 degree wind chill in October. Greg Jennings posted mad points on my fantasy team last year, and with Rodgers turning into Johnny Unitas during the playoffs last year I’m sure Jennings will be doing a few touchdown dances this season. And although Charles Woodson is well into his 50’s by now, he’s still the 4th best CB in the league (suck it again Revis).

3. Atlanta Falcons – Gotta hand it to ’em, they made bold moves in the draft by taking Julio Jones. With Julio Jones and Roddy White at WR, how the hell do you cover them? (oh yeah with Nnamdi Awesome-wa and DRC/Asante). And as much as I absolutely hate Matty (smirnoff) Ice, the kid has got some talent, even if he does drink bitch drinks. Then again, you put me at QB with Roddy White and Julio Jones at WR and Michael Turner in the backfield and even I would be somewhat productive.

4. New Orleans Saints – I’ve never been to Mardi Gras there. And I regret this… but I digress. Drew Brees is still a beast. Reggie Bush is gone. I feel like there really aren’t any amazing players on this team besides Drew Brees. They’re all just like ‘pretty good’ players that somehow put points on the board. Like Devery Henderson and Robert Meachem are good, but like…. I’m not THAT impressed. Does anyone else get the feeling the the scar on Drew Brees’ face gives him special powers like it did with Harry Potter? I think that’s what’s going on here. Maybe it’ll show up in the HGH testing this season.

5. Minnesota Vikings – Old man Favre is gone, Old Man McNabb is in. It’s clear that McNabb can’t perform without Campbell’s Chunky soup talent around him. The Redskins were… are terrible. Now, with a decent supporting cast, I think the Vikings could make some moves. Adrian “All Day” Peterson is 217 pounds of kick-your-ass. Jared Allen gives little kids nightmares. Gotta check the new head coach first though. Touch decision not to put the Bucs, Cowboys, Bears, or even lions here though. regardless, it doesn’t matter, they’re not going to win the conference.