Brandon Roy Loses Both Legs In Freak Sleeping Accident

MINNESOTA CITY, MINNESOTA

The Minnesota Timberwolves thought they had won the jackpot this summer when Brandon Roy chose them as a destination to resurrect his career…and knees.  The comeback tour has officially ended after Roy suffered a freak accident in the middle of the night on Saturday.

Roy had been rehabbing from a knee surgery he underwent in November.  Both he and the team expected him to make a full recovery and be able to make a return this season.  However, after Saturday, doctors doubt he will be able to walk normally again.  Roy was fast asleep in bed when his knees suddenly gave out, waking him up instantly.  He looked down to find both of his legs twisted and bent in a gruesome pretzel-like shape.  Doctor Chim Richalds, who operated on Roy, weighed in on the accident:

“Brandon’s knees are…can I swear here?  Well, they’re fucked.  We had to amputate everything below the waist, he’ll be lucky to play basketball ever again.”

When pressed about Roy’s future Dr. Richalds responded,

“Well, he’s done for the year.  I can’t rule him out for a return next season though.”

Goodnight Sweet Prince

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Duke Basketball Team Draws 400 Foul Calls

The Duke Men’s basketball team drew an unprecedented 400 personal foul calls on their opponent late last week.  In a game against the Temple Owls, the crafty Blue Devils pulled out all the stops in getting to the line a whopping 350 times.  Coach Krezek…Krezyfi…Coach K has long been scrutinized for his players’ tendency to “flop” or go down easy at any sign of contact but this was another story.  The Dukies even employed the use of drama coaches in the week leading up to the game and each player carried around packets of fake blood.  Head official Steve Stevens commented on the wild game:

“At one point the kid that shoots all the 3’s really well took a shot…I swear no one was even close to him but when I looked back he was nearly unconscious and bleeding profusely…I had to call a foul.”

Temple’s entire team fouled out as well as the spirit squad and the volunteer fans that filled in for them.  NCAA officials have announced there were no violations in the game and will investigate no further.

Aiiiiieeeeeee

Adidas Basketball Derek Rose Commercial is Awesome

Mad props to the people at Adidas for creating this commercial. I am not a Bulls fan, but I’ve always liked D-Rose. So much metaphor going on here. Like, he’s on the bulls so he comes out and plays the part of the bull in the bull ring. Genius. He swiftly dodges all of the spears and matadors with the help of his fresh new Adidas kicks. At the end he dunks and the crowd goes crazy and showers him with roses…. because his last name is Rose. Get it? Whoever it was at Adidas that stood up in the meeting and was like “hey, Bullfights have Bulls and Roses…. we should make a Derek Rose commercial with him in a bull fight” should totally be promoted. Great job.