…I’ve been here for years. What the fuck is up my dudes and dudettes? I feel like I owe you guys a serious press conference. The kind they play on ESPN News but keep counting down to during SportsCenter. The kind of press conference that you don’t really need to hear but it still ends up ruining your commute to or from work. The kind that’s so overblown that you get tricked into watching it for two hours until you realize: “Holy shit I have to piss” or “Oh fuck I’m driving right now.” I wish I could give this to you guys. I really wish I could ruin your days but I can’t. This is the best I can do so instead I’ll transcribe my press conference below.
(Cro walks in openly weeping)
(Cro’s sobs are drowned out by a raucous standing ovation)
(Several beautiful women faint)
CRO:I just want to start off by apologizing for an unexplained and prolonged absence. I feel terrible for abandoning you all when you needed me most.
(Cro collects himself while several pairs of women’s undergarments are thrown onto the stage)
CRO:I will not rest until I have made it up to you. My mission in life is now to become not only the man you want me to be but the man I was destined to be…and write funny blogs. Mostly the blogs thing. Pretty much only the blogs thing. Yikes sorry I got so dramatic…that was weird huh?
(A murmur quickly becomes a roar…the mob is chanting: “WE’RE CONFUSED…WE’RE CONFUSED!”)
CRO:Thank you, I love you and please please please never leave me!
(Men, women, and children alike are left pregnant…with the belief that Cro Jones is back.)