Brandon Roy Loses Both Legs In Freak Sleeping Accident

MINNESOTA CITY, MINNESOTA

The Minnesota Timberwolves thought they had won the jackpot this summer when Brandon Roy chose them as a destination to resurrect his career…and knees.  The comeback tour has officially ended after Roy suffered a freak accident in the middle of the night on Saturday.

Roy had been rehabbing from a knee surgery he underwent in November.  Both he and the team expected him to make a full recovery and be able to make a return this season.  However, after Saturday, doctors doubt he will be able to walk normally again.  Roy was fast asleep in bed when his knees suddenly gave out, waking him up instantly.  He looked down to find both of his legs twisted and bent in a gruesome pretzel-like shape.  Doctor Chim Richalds, who operated on Roy, weighed in on the accident:

“Brandon’s knees are…can I swear here?  Well, they’re fucked.  We had to amputate everything below the waist, he’ll be lucky to play basketball ever again.”

When pressed about Roy’s future Dr. Richalds responded,

“Well, he’s done for the year.  I can’t rule him out for a return next season though.”

Goodnight Sweet Prince

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Anonymous Jets Head Coach Says Tebow Is “Just Awful.”

Less than two weeks ago, several unnamed New york Jets used the media to bash backup QB Tim Tebow.  Now another member of the organization has joined the verbal fray.  Sources say a head coach wishing to remain anonymous has spoken out about Tebow.

Tim Tebow is awful.  Just awful.  I hate that guy and I hate what he does on the football field.  Trust me, he’s bad.  I’m a coach, not an assistant, not a ball boy, a head fucking coach.

The comments were biting, blunt, and completely necessary.  The Jets season is in jeopardy and their starting quarterback has been less than abysmal…the only smart move is to start bad-mouthing the backup QB.  When pressed further about the poor play of Mark Sanchez, the anonymous coach said simply:

Yeah, I think he’s incredibly good looking.

Carmen San Diego

Tailgaters Being Attacked By Packs Of Vicious Toddlers

A violent epidemic is sweeping through parking lots across the country, affecting fans of many of the nation’s football teams.  All across the United States, professional football tailgates are being ruined by roving gangs of increasingly violent toddlers.  First reported in Buffalo, the child-size gangs have gained a foothold and quickly spread across the country.  Early reports state that the gangs generally consist of five or six toddlers that appear to be wandering aimlessly until they come across a group of adults they deem to be “acceptable” enough to infiltrate.  At this point, the toddlers begin begging for hugs, food, “their mommies”, “ta tas” or milk, boo boo’s, or “papa”.  Tailgaters have begun to panic  in response to the situation which has made everything a lot worse than originally expected.

Before a recent Indianapolis Colts game, an unusually large gang of toddlers descended upon the parking lot of Lucas Oil stadium sending Colts fans into a frenzy.  Steve Mitchell of Carmel recounted the horrific incident:

“We was all hanging out throwin’ back a few beers ya’ know, when all’s of a sudden this group o’ kids shows up outta nowhere.  One of em just walks on up to Jimmy O’Keefe and she says to him she says “Mommy?  Where’s my mommy?”  Jimmy screamed and grabbed her by the head and threw her the other way and then took off towards his truck.  We all kind of freaked out and tried to run but there was more of em waitin’ for us, that’s when we lost Bobby.”

At this point Mr. Mitchell breaks down into tears and is unable to go on with his story.  We were able to find another witness from the same tailgate who was able to finish where Mr. Mitchell left off…

“Bobby was in the middle of winning a bet.  The dude never lost a bet, and it probably cost him his life.  He was trying to put the finishing touches on a 2 pound serving of cheese fries when the kids showed up.  He never saw em comin’.  He just kept eating and before he knew it they were hugging his leg asking to “go home.”  We had to leave him, we had no choice alright!?  They were coming from every direction, our only choice was to run for it.  We lost a lot of friends out there.  Those kids just don’t quit.  Every time you turned around you’d see another friend surrounded by toddlers begging for their mothers or asking for help.  The worst part was, once they caught you, you couldn’t keep drinking.  The vendors thought they were our kids and would cut us off.  It was hell.  It was worse than hell.  It was like being a parent…”

Thousands of NFL fans have been through a similar nightmare, no one is sure when or even if it will end.  At this point, there is no cure and there is no hope in sight.  Daycare centers have sprung up at a few stadiums across the country hoping to at least stem the problem but there is no data to support that this strategy has any effect on the toddler gangs.  NFL games will continue to be played despite the dire circumstances that surround the league, and until a permanent solution can be found to deal with the problem, we offer this short list that may be able to help.

  1. Show up hours before the game with a large group of people and make sure you have a large fire going for your tailgating festivities.  The bigger the flames, the smaller the chance of attack.
  2. No fat chicks.  The toddler gangs gravitate toward mother figures…the chubbier the woman, the more she resembles a new mom.
  3. No fat chicks.
  4. Play catch with a regulation size football.  Throwing around a small ball or NERF football is just asking for trouble.  Not only will you have people questioning your manhood, but you’re begging to be attacked by a horde of kids.
  5. Grill only burgers, sausages, and thick hot dogs…don’t make exceptions for hot chicks asking to throw a skinless chicken breast on the grill or if you can actually make a “grilled” cheese.  Nothing but annoying chicks and gangs of toddlers will result from making exceptions.
  6. Listen to sports radio or classic rock…anything else leaves you open to an attack.  Any other radio station could play anything at any given time which will draw the toddlers…and any unknown station could play ads or segments that attract the hordes.
  7. Finally…only speak and yell in a deep voice…bark and growl as much as possible…never show emotion.
  8. No fat chicks.