Here’s a couple of quick-hitters about tackle football’s opening week.
Packers- 42…Saints- 34
A good old fashioned shootout. Both teams made a pregame pact to not play any defense and it showed. It was an entertaining game and I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t watch most of it. I did catch the Saints trying to run it in on the last play of the game…dumb. The Packers are still legit and the Saints still play in a dome. Darren Sproles is my height…I think I’m better.
Bears- 30…Falcons- 12
One of the two televised early games in my area. Just a wicked competitive, wicked entertaining game. Naw, I’m playing…it sucked. I can’t explain it but I have a strong dislike for both of these teams. Jay Cutler is a douche and I don’t like watching him do anything unless it’s throwing interceptions. I promise you, he’ll start throwing a bunch soon. Michael Turner looks like a fat guy doesn’t he?
Bengals- 27…Browns- 17
The Miracle in the Midwest! No, not really. If fans of these teams want a miracle, they should move. A bunch of people are calling this an upset…I’m gonna call it what most of the people I know call me. A disappointment. Colt McCoy is such a dreamboat, I really wanna root for him but he’s got too much going for him already he doesn’t need my support. Early reports indicate no Bengals were arrested before, during, or after the game. SUCCESS!!
Bills- 41…Chiefs- 7
Woof. That’s all I’ve got. We here at the Jones Edition had high hopes for the Chefs this season…we were wrong. I can’t wait to see everyone overreact to Ryan Fitzgeraldsimmonspatrick this week. “He’s from Harvard he’s so smart.” “4 TD’s he’s the next Jim Kelly.” “The Bills are gonna win it all.” “Craig Fitzwombat is gonna be a hall of famer!”
Eagles- 31…Rams- 13
The Rams made it a game for about ten minutes. Jackson and Bradford got hurt and the Eagles took over. If I was Mike Vick I’d take out a bunch of insurance policies on various parts of my body. That offensive line must not like him very much. I don’t like the Eagles.
Lions- 27…Buccaneers- 20
I didn’t watch half of these games. I like the Lions but I never want to go back to Detroit…or Michigan. Except for Ann Arbor, Go Blue. The Wolverines game was epic on Saturday night, this game was also on T.V. somewhere.
Jaguars- 16…Titans- 14
Chris Johnson had 24 yards rushing…worth the money.
Ravens- 35…Steelers- 7
The Steelers turned the ball over 7 times. Joe Flacco has ridiculous eyebrows. I think Ray Rice and Maurice Jones Drew might be the same person. I wish both teams could have lost this game.
Texans- 34…Colts- 7
The Kerry Collins experiment may be over already. In other news, my band The Kerry Collins Experiment broke up yesterday. I will now be touring solo under the stage name Craig Fitzwombat. In football news, the Colts are fucked.
Cardinals- 28…Panthers- 21
Cam Newton threw for 422 yards and had his dad do his press conference for him afterwards. Kevin Kolb also played quarterback and the Cardinals won. Here’s something relevant.
Chargers- 24…Vikings- 17
Donovan McNabb threw for 39 yards and Brett Favre inexplicably showed up on the sidelines in uniform. He was visibly confused and distraught, especially since he was wearing a Chargers uniform.
49ers- 33…Seahawks- 17
Somehow, Alex Smith still has a starting job. Ted Ginn can run really, really fast. The Seahawks should look into getting a quarterback.
Redskins- 28…Giants- 14
Got a couple of good looks at the Eli Manning face early on in the season. The Giants usually don’t crumble until later on in the year so that was nice. Also, when Ryan Kerrigan picked Eli off and took it to the house, Joe Buck could not stop comparing him to Clay Matthews. It got weird. The Packers played on Thursday, if you bring up Clay Matthews that many times on Sunday…you might have a lil crush. It was like Gruden somehow segueing everything into Brett Favre. “The way that guy weighs 300 lbs. and still runs a 4.4 forty really reminds me of how incredible Brett Favre is, can you believe that guy? That guy, that guy.”
Jets- 27…Cowboys- 24
Oh. My. God. The Jets get games handed to them several times a year but seriously? First game of the season? This game was a battle of which quarterback wanted to lose more and Romo did what he does best. Collapse. On a side note, I may be a Patriots fan but is it possible for Mark Sanchez to be any more overrated than he is now? The dude has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns at this point in his career and yet no one dares call him a bust. I’ll do it. I’ll take one for the team. The guy is better at taking his shirt off in front of the camera than he is at playing football. It’s okay America, let the hate flow.
Patriots- 38…Dolphins- 24
I might do a longer write-up about this game so I’ll keep this one short. Like Welker, or Woodhead, or Branch. God, I love those guys. Brady threw for 517 yards…holy cow. Still, while Brady surgically destroyed the Dolphins defense, Chad “fat face” Henne was busy torching the Patriots to the tune 416 yards passing and 59 rushing. I love the offense, but the Pats need to step up on D. Also, to steal from barstool, dolphins are just gay sharks right?
Raiders- 23…Broncos- 20
Sebastian “Fuck yea of course I’m drunk” Janikowski kicked a 63 yard field goal. Dude has a hell of a leg. Darren McFadden almost single-handedly beat me in fantasy and we may get to see Tim Tebow sooner than we thought. Is Al Davis dead? Seriously, I want the truth.