Anonymous Jets Head Coach Says Tebow Is “Just Awful.”

Less than two weeks ago, several unnamed New york Jets used the media to bash backup QB Tim Tebow.  Now another member of the organization has joined the verbal fray.  Sources say a head coach wishing to remain anonymous has spoken out about Tebow.

Tim Tebow is awful.  Just awful.  I hate that guy and I hate what he does on the football field.  Trust me, he’s bad.  I’m a coach, not an assistant, not a ball boy, a head fucking coach.

The comments were biting, blunt, and completely necessary.  The Jets season is in jeopardy and their starting quarterback has been less than abysmal…the only smart move is to start bad-mouthing the backup QB.  When pressed further about the poor play of Mark Sanchez, the anonymous coach said simply:

Yeah, I think he’s incredibly good looking.

Carmen San Diego

Ndamukong Suck

HEYOOO!  See what I did there?!?!  Fucking clever as shit.  You’re welcome, World.

Amidst the tropical storm that is the myriad of controversies occurring in the sports world right now, I’ve decided to tackle the embattled Lions star first.  Also, I used a lot of big words in that last sentence and I’m not positive they all worked…we’ll find out at the monthly grammar review.  Let us now turn our attention to the Detroit Lions and star defensive tackle, Ndamukong Suh.  First and foremost, I’m going to go ahead and apologize for misspelling his name for the rest of the post because let’s face it…that first name is just ridiculous.  Not ridiculous in a “I’m insulting his family’s culture and choice” way but more in a “there’s no way I’m gonna refer back to wikipedia every single time I need to use his name in this post” way…which is already like 10 or 15 times.  So, without further comedic delay, let us address “Sue”.

There has a been a huge huge huge emphasis on minimizing not just hurtful plays but also any plays that are deemed reckless by the commish this season.  Cro Jones’ official stance is that the NFL has gone soft.  Let players tackle the quarterback, yea protect his head and all that but don’t flag every big hit just because a QB is involved.  Also, stop arbitrarily fining players for random occurrences that naturally come about during the pace of a football game.  I’ve seen more fines this year than ever…and most of them are for inadvertent facemasks or aggressive holding calls…it’s absurd.  LET THE PLAYERS PLAY.  STOP FINING PLAYERS FROM YOUR IVORY FUCKING TOWER FOR NO DAMN REASON.  This has happened all over the league not just with my beloved Patriots…there needs to be more discretion everywhere.  However, Noodleking Sue is a different story.

The entire Detroit Lions team lacks discipline and this has been made very evident in the last few weeks of the season but Nadakong Sur is the worst offender of all.  Nachocheese Soup has been fined time after time after time by Roger Goodell and he even requested a meeting with the commish in order to review his play and see what he was doing wrong.  What you’re doing wrong?!?!  Nadacooz, every time you sack a QB you try to twist his head off…literally snap his neck assassin style.  Not to mention the litany of allegations that you bite, pinch, twist, kick, poke and everything else every single time there’s a pile up at the line of scrimmage.  MahnaMahna is a dirty player plain and simple and the entire nation got a glimpse of that when he tried to curbstomp Evan Dietrich-Smith on Thanksgiving Day.  Homeboy got suspended for two games and proceeded to get his damn self into a serious car accident two days later so let’s see if NumaNuma Yay can avoid the wrath of the NFL on that one.

In summation, I’d like to say that I do enjoy the Detroit Lions…but I do not root for Nudorama Suck.  Also, I’d like to mention to our readers that I deserve a medal for not linking to an American History X clip on the word curbstomp…you’re welcome.

Hank Williams Jr. Gets The Axe

Good riddance.  I’m so glad this dude is gone from Monday Night Football, and that sentiment has nothing to do with him comparing Obama to Hitler.  I honestly couldn’t give fewer fucks about that, but its hard to offend me.  No, the reason I’m glad he was let go is because now we don’t have to listen to that 10 minute, God awful song every week while we wait for the game to begin.  Don’t get me wrong, I know he’s been doing it forever and it’s nostalgic and all that stuff but I just want to watch the game.  I would rather watch John Madden wandering around in his underwear yelling at trees than listen to Hank Williams before every game.  (Honestly, I just want to see John Madden again, I’m worried about him.)  The point is, the song sucks, we just want football.  I also hate how every year ESPN “unveils” this year’s “NEW!” theme song.  But it’s not new.  It’s the same shit every year.  It’s like Entourage, they keep telling us it’s new and we want to believe them but deep down we know…we know.  So here’s hoping that ESPN takes their time finding a replacement act to do the MNF theme and if I may offer a suggestion

Cro Jones NFL Week 1 Recap

Here’s a couple of quick-hitters about tackle football’s opening week.

Packers- 42…Saints- 34

A good old fashioned shootout.  Both teams made a pregame pact to not play any defense and it showed.  It was an entertaining game and I’ll be honest with you, I didn’t watch most of it.  I did catch the Saints trying to run it in on the last play of the game…dumb.  The Packers are still legit and the Saints still play in a dome.  Darren Sproles is my height…I think I’m better.

Bears- 30…Falcons- 12

One of the two televised early games in my area.  Just a wicked competitive, wicked entertaining game.  Naw, I’m playing…it sucked.  I can’t explain it but I have a strong dislike for both of these teams.  Jay Cutler is a douche and I don’t like watching him do anything unless it’s throwing interceptions.  I promise you, he’ll start throwing a bunch soon.  Michael Turner looks like a fat guy doesn’t he?

Bengals- 27…Browns- 17

The Miracle in the Midwest!  No, not really.  If fans of these teams want a miracle, they should move.  A bunch of people are calling this an upset…I’m gonna call it what most of the people I know call me.  A disappointment.  Colt McCoy is such a dreamboat, I really wanna root for him but he’s got too much going for him already he doesn’t need my support.  Early reports indicate no Bengals were arrested before, during, or after the game.  SUCCESS!!

Bills- 41…Chiefs- 7

Woof.  That’s all I’ve got.  We here at the Jones Edition had high hopes for the Chefs this season…we were wrong.  I can’t wait to see everyone overreact to Ryan Fitzgeraldsimmonspatrick this week.  “He’s from Harvard he’s so smart.” “4 TD’s he’s the next Jim Kelly.” “The Bills are gonna win it all.”  “Craig Fitzwombat is gonna be a hall of famer!”

Eagles- 31…Rams- 13

The Rams made it a game for about ten minutes.  Jackson and Bradford got hurt and the Eagles took over.  If I was Mike Vick I’d take out a bunch of insurance policies on various parts of my body.  That offensive line must not like him very much.  I don’t like the Eagles.

Lions- 27…Buccaneers- 20

I didn’t watch half of these games.  I like the Lions but I never want to go back to Detroit…or Michigan.  Except for Ann Arbor, Go Blue.  The Wolverines game was epic on Saturday night, this game was also on T.V. somewhere.

Jaguars- 16…Titans- 14

Chris Johnson had 24 yards rushing…worth the money.

Ravens- 35…Steelers- 7

The Steelers turned the ball over 7 times.  Joe Flacco has ridiculous eyebrows.  I think Ray Rice and Maurice Jones Drew might be the same person.  I wish both teams could have lost this game.

Texans- 34…Colts- 7

The Kerry Collins experiment may be over already.  In other news, my band The Kerry Collins Experiment broke up yesterday.  I will now be touring solo under the stage name Craig Fitzwombat.  In football news, the Colts are fucked.

Cardinals- 28…Panthers- 21

Cam Newton threw for 422 yards and had his dad do his press conference for him afterwards.  Kevin Kolb also played quarterback and the Cardinals won.  Here’s something relevant.

Chargers- 24…Vikings- 17

Donovan McNabb threw for 39 yards and Brett Favre inexplicably showed up on the sidelines in uniform.  He was visibly confused and distraught, especially since he was wearing a Chargers uniform.

49ers- 33…Seahawks- 17

Somehow, Alex Smith still has a starting job.  Ted Ginn can run really, really fast.  The Seahawks should look into getting a quarterback.

Redskins- 28…Giants- 14

Got a couple of good looks at the Eli Manning face early on in the season.  The Giants usually don’t crumble until later on in the year so that was nice.  Also, when Ryan Kerrigan picked Eli off and took it to the house, Joe Buck could not stop comparing him to Clay Matthews.  It got weird.  The Packers played on Thursday, if you bring up Clay Matthews that many times on Sunday…you might have a lil crush. It was like Gruden somehow segueing everything into Brett Favre.  “The way that guy weighs 300 lbs. and still runs a 4.4 forty really reminds me of how incredible Brett Favre is, can you believe that guy?  That guy, that guy.”

Jets- 27…Cowboys- 24

Oh.  My.  God.  The Jets get games handed to them several times a year but seriously?  First game of the season?  This game was a battle of which quarterback wanted to lose more and Romo did what he does best.  Collapse.  On a side note, I may be a Patriots fan but is it possible for Mark Sanchez to be any more overrated than he is now?  The dude has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns at this point in his career and yet no one dares call him a bust.  I’ll do it.  I’ll take one for the team.  The guy is better at taking his shirt off in front of the camera than he is at playing football.  It’s okay America, let the hate flow.

Patriots- 38…Dolphins- 24

I might do a longer write-up about this game so I’ll keep this one short.  Like Welker, or Woodhead, or Branch.  God, I love those guys.  Brady threw for 517 yards…holy cow.  Still, while Brady surgically destroyed the Dolphins defense, Chad “fat face” Henne was busy torching the Patriots to the tune 416 yards passing and 59 rushing.  I love the offense, but the Pats need to step up on D.  Also, to steal from barstool, dolphins are just gay sharks right?

Raiders- 23…Broncos- 20

Sebastian “Fuck yea of course I’m drunk” Janikowski kicked a 63 yard field goal.  Dude has a hell of a leg.  Darren McFadden almost single-handedly beat me in fantasy and we may get to see Tim Tebow sooner than we thought.  Is Al Davis dead?  Seriously, I want the truth.


 

Brett Favre Indecision 2011

When Brett Favre walked into an area Cheesecake Factory at 7:30pm last Sunday night, it appeared to everyone to be just another Favre family dinner.  That is, until Brett opened his menu.  It’s been almost a week since that fateful summer night and Favre has yet to budge from his favorite corner booth in the popular restaurant.  Multiple press conferences have been held daily while Brett desperately and emotionally tries to come to a decision on what to order.

Sources(his wife) say that originally Brett had decided on the “Pasta Da Vinci” due to his love for madeira sauce.  However, when the waitress Stephanie came to take his order, his mind had changed forever altering the lives of everyone involved.  There have been many close calls over the last week with Brett leaning toward ordering a “Glamburger” only to start openly weeping and change his mind.  At one point, the whole situation looked to surely be coming to a close when Favre called an exhausted Stephanie over to his table and confidently ordered the Lobster only to be told the Cheesecake Factory does not serve lobster.  Thats when the crowd gathered outside could once again hear Favre’s wails of lament.  We were able to catch up to Stephanie and ask her about the ordeal, here’s what she had to say:

“I haven’t slept in a week, I’m tired and I just want to go home.  I don’t see what the big deal is, just pick something and eat it.  Why does he keep crying like that it’s so off-putting.”

Favre’s children have been encouraging him to pick what he wants and not worry about them.  Insisting that they will support no matter his decision.  Hopefully the situation gets resolved soon and until it does you can can’t on us to cover the story from dusk until dawn.

On a lighter note, due to the closing of  the Cheesecake Factory for the week, a nearby P.F. Chang’s has had it’s best business week ever.

Raiders Letter To Fans: “We’re Still Not Going To Be Very Good”

Several members of the Oakland Raiders front office wrote an honest, apologetic letter to the passionate fans of the once-proud franchise.  The Raiders have had years of misfortune and flat out uninspired play.  Many pundits, fans, and even small children who don’t follow football have placed the blame on owner Al Davis’ withered shoulders.  While the team lost star tight end Zach Miller and solid wideout/kick returner Johnny Lee Higgins, they still made a lot of moves to bolster their squad.  Despite all the moves made in recent years and the handful of top ten picks they’ve had, the front office decided it was a good idea to write a letter explaining the team’s situation to the fans.

The overall synopsis of the letter was paragraph after paragraph of profuse apologies.  Though it was only released on the internet, readers could still see the tear stains on the pages.  After the apologizing and pleading, the suits went on to address the upcoming tackle football season. Here’s an excerpt:

“We’re very excited about the end of the lockout and especially excited about the Raiders 2011 season.  We made a lot of moves during the off season and added some strong veterans to help the team.  That being said, we’re not confident, we’re still not going to be very good.”

Fans are outraged at the letter but the front office is very pleased, choosing to address the teams failures before the season even starts.  One exec. says it’s basically an elaborate “You can’t be mad, we warned you” strategy.  So, with another football season beginning, it appears the Raiders will again be a middle of the pack team at best and remain the butt of many sports-related jokes.

Sources have yet to confirm whether or not Al Davis is still alive or is indeed, as many have feared, a savvy, flesh-hungry zombie.

Philadelphia First City To Throw Parade Before Championship

Thousands of Eagles fans lined the streets of Philadelphia recently to celebrate their beloved team winning the upcoming Super Bowl.  Philadelphia becomes the first city throw a victory parade before their team won the championship, they were also the first city to do so before the preseason even started.  Reminiscent of the Miami Heat of the NBA last year, Eagles fans have already predicted several championships for their new and improved squad.

Confetti fell from buildings everywhere throughout the city and many streets and businesses were closed in honor of the parade.  Music blared from speakers galore, many and most of them blasting the theme song from the movie “Rocky.”  Fans waited for hours in the summer heat dancing, singing, seemingly unaware that the team had not and would not be arriving.  Local, self-proclaimed Eagles “superfan” Chim Richards said about the day:

“What can you say?  What a team, what a game, what a season.  Did you see how awesome the Lombardi trophy was in person?!?”

When Mr. Richards was reminded that the trophy had indeed not been brought to the city he walked away and was heard shouting “WORLD CHAMPS BABY!”  It is still not known who the Eagles played in the final game of this year’s season but sources say Roger Goodell will be addressing the “incident” tomorrow.

In other news, a man resembling Michael Vick was the only arrest during the festivities.  He told authorities his name was “Ron Mexico.”