Ok, so onto the AFC. Some of the rankings may look pretty typical, but I might change my mind last minute and throw you all a curveball. And perhaps a choice or two that will infuriate my esteemed colleague, Cro.
1. New York Jets – How ya like them apples? Mark ‘Dirty’ Sanchez will continue to improve his blossoming career with the likes of Santonio Holmes returning at WR, and the addition of Plaxico ‘Cheddar Bob’ Burress. Darrell Revis is OK. Everyone is paying attention to running backs Shonn Greene and LaDainian Tomlinson, but the scary thing is, the thing that makes this team the most elite bunch in the AFC, is that at any moment they could substitute in John Conner, third year running back out of Kentucky. Most of you didn’t realize that this kid not only managed to save earth from man-killing robots, but can also run a 4.5 – 40. Additionally, he’s got cyborg Arnold Schwarzenegger wielding a shotgun to protect his every cut and juke. That’s one hell of a lead blocker if ya ask me.
2. New England Patriots – Tom Brady is now 34 years old. I think it’s about time everybody stop worshipping him. I’m not saying he’s not going to put up mad numbers and reach the Pro Bowl again, but let’s face it; the guy is a little on the feminine side. If he wasn’t with such a slammin woman I’d say he was straight up batting for the other team. They get points for having Bill Belichick too. He’s one sly motherfucker. The dude knows how to cheat like nobody’s business, and hey, it’s only cheating if you get caught. Albert Haynesworth is a terrifying addition to the Pats. He’s had quite a sketchy past in Washington, but ole’ Bill will keep him in check…in Beli-check (get it?!). That goes for Ochocinco as well. Terrific pickup. Welker, Branch and Ochocinco… dayummmm!
3. Kansas City Chiefs – Boom! Curveball! The Kansas City Chiefs are going to be real competitive this season. Now that the team is respectable again, Arrowhead has become a distinct advantage for the Chiefs. I can’t wait for ‘Free Bow and Arrow’ day. They’ve also hired a native tribal witch doctor to their medical staff. All of their water/gatorade this season will be comparable to the blessed Alaskan Glacier Water in The Water Boy. Imagine Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe on that shit…. Fantasy. Allstars.
4. Indianapolis Colts – Oh whoop-dee-doo. Jets, Pats, Colts… REAL original. I know I know. But it’s Peyton! The dude is the triple threat, All-Star QB, Funny Actor, and avid alligator wrestler. He does it all. Ok… maybe I made that last one up, whatever. Reggie Wayne and Peyton are like peanut butter and jelly, their connection is just flawless. And Jeff Saturday, single-handedly ended the lockout. Fact. Dwight Freeney eats children…. and quarterbacks.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers – James Harrison is invincible when it comes to fines now. Or at least he thinks so, which in the long run will result in multiple suspensions for him, crippling the defense. Goodell was just waiting until all of the smoke cleared to start retaliating to Harrison’s comments. I can see it now. “Harrison was fined $75,000 for grabbing the facemask. Goodell also added that he will now have to pay child support for all of Antonio Cromartie’s children.” Big Ben gets away with underage molestation, but Harrison will get fined for every tweet from here on out. Can’t wait for the next Troy Polamalu Head & Shoulders ad.