Sorry Cro Jones, sorry NFL, sorry nation… guess you guys are all shit out of luck for the better part of the next decade. Number 7 will be running circles around defenses wearing midnight green for the next six years. Vick signed a 6-year deal reportedly worth $100-million, boldly announcing to everyone despite constant disdain and criticism, “I’m back for real.” This deal makes him the third highest paid QB in the NFL behind Peyton and Pretty Boy. This deal was huge for the Eagles for a number of reasons. Not only did they lock down one of the best players in football for a long-term deal, but this also frees up some cap room to go ahead and work out a deal with the severely underpaid DeSean Jackson. Ok ok, now I know what you all are thinking, “Did the picture really need to be that big?” And the answer is yes, it did.
What’s next the O.J. Simpson issue? Fuck it ESPN lets do an expose about how talented Hitler was at bocce. Michael Vick is a sociopath. That doesn’t just go away because you have the best season of your career. Seriously, nation, get off his jock…he killed dogs and fed them to each other.
Thousands of Eagles fans lined the streets of Philadelphia recently to celebrate their beloved team winning the upcoming Super Bowl. Philadelphia becomes the first city throw a victory parade before their team won the championship, they were also the first city to do so before the preseason even started. Reminiscent of the Miami Heat of the NBA last year, Eagles fans have already predicted several championships for their new and improved squad.
Confetti fell from buildings everywhere throughout the city and many streets and businesses were closed in honor of the parade. Music blared from speakers galore, many and most of them blasting the theme song from the movie “Rocky.” Fans waited for hours in the summer heat dancing, singing, seemingly unaware that the team had not and would not be arriving. Local, self-proclaimed Eagles “superfan” Chim Richards said about the day:
“What can you say? What a team, what a game, what a season. Did you see how awesome the Lombardi trophy was in person?!?”
When Mr. Richards was reminded that the trophy had indeed not been brought to the city he walked away and was heard shouting “WORLD CHAMPS BABY!” It is still not known who the Eagles played in the final game of this year’s season but sources say Roger Goodell will be addressing the “incident” tomorrow.
In other news, a man resembling Michael Vick was the only arrest during the festivities. He told authorities his name was “Ron Mexico.”