The Minnesota Timberwolves thought they had won the jackpot this summer when Brandon Roy chose them as a destination to resurrect his career…and knees. The comeback tour has officially ended after Roy suffered a freak accident in the middle of the night on Saturday.
Roy had been rehabbing from a knee surgery he underwent in November. Both he and the team expected him to make a full recovery and be able to make a return this season. However, after Saturday, doctors doubt he will be able to walk normally again. Roy was fast asleep in bed when his knees suddenly gave out, waking him up instantly. He looked down to find both of his legs twisted and bent in a gruesome pretzel-like shape. Doctor Chim Richalds, who operated on Roy, weighed in on the accident:
“Brandon’s knees are…can I swear here? Well, they’re fucked. We had to amputate everything below the waist, he’ll be lucky to play basketball ever again.”
When pressed about Roy’s future Dr. Richalds responded,
“Well, he’s done for the year. I can’t rule him out for a return next season though.”
The Duke Men’s basketball team drew an unprecedented 400 personal foul calls on their opponent late last week. In a game against the Temple Owls, the crafty Blue Devils pulled out all the stops in getting to the line a whopping 350 times. Coach Krezek…Krezyfi…Coach K has long been scrutinized for his players’ tendency to “flop” or go down easy at any sign of contact but this was another story. The Dukies even employed the use of drama coaches in the week leading up to the game and each player carried around packets of fake blood. Head official Steve Stevens commented on the wild game:
“At one point the kid that shoots all the 3’s really well took a shot…I swear no one was even close to him but when I looked back he was nearly unconscious and bleeding profusely…I had to call a foul.”
Temple’s entire team fouled out as well as the spirit squad and the volunteer fans that filled in for them. NCAA officials have announced there were no violations in the game and will investigate no further.
Less than two weeks ago, several unnamed New york Jets used the media to bash backup QB Tim Tebow. Now another member of the organization has joined the verbal fray. Sources say a head coach wishing to remain anonymous has spoken out about Tebow.
Tim Tebow is awful. Just awful. I hate that guy and I hate what he does on the football field. Trust me, he’s bad. I’m a coach, not an assistant, not a ball boy, a head fucking coach.
The comments were biting, blunt, and completely necessary. The Jets season is in jeopardy and their starting quarterback has been less than abysmal…the only smart move is to start bad-mouthing the backup QB. When pressed further about the poor play of Mark Sanchez, the anonymous coach said simply:
…I’ve been here for years. What the fuck is up my dudes and dudettes? I feel like I owe you guys a serious press conference. The kind they play on ESPN News but keep counting down to during SportsCenter. The kind of press conference that you don’t really need to hear but it still ends up ruining your commute to or from work. The kind that’s so overblown that you get tricked into watching it for two hours until you realize: “Holy shit I have to piss” or “Oh fuck I’m driving right now.” I wish I could give this to you guys. I really wish I could ruin your days but I can’t. This is the best I can do so instead I’ll transcribe my press conference below.
(Cro walks in openly weeping)
(Cro’s sobs are drowned out by a raucous standing ovation)
(Several beautiful women faint)
CRO:I just want to start off by apologizing for an unexplained and prolonged absence. I feel terrible for abandoning you all when you needed me most.
(Cro collects himself while several pairs of women’s undergarments are thrown onto the stage)
CRO:I will not rest until I have made it up to you. My mission in life is now to become not only the man you want me to be but the man I was destined to be…and write funny blogs. Mostly the blogs thing. Pretty much only the blogs thing. Yikes sorry I got so dramatic…that was weird huh?
(A murmur quickly becomes a roar…the mob is chanting: “WE’RE CONFUSED…WE’RE CONFUSED!”)
CRO:Thank you, I love you and please please please never leave me!
(Men, women, and children alike are left pregnant…with the belief that Cro Jones is back.)
We promised to keep y’all updated on our fantasy league and how we were both performing throughout the year and we have again failed both those who have checked in intermittently and those of you who have followed us loyally. That was probably a run run run-on sentence…I don’t care at this point. Moving on from my increasingly loose grasp of the English language let us check in on the fantasy football season.
I’m fairly certain the Jones Brothers have avoided posting about our fantasy league for the majority of the NFL season. I intend to change that. Let’s start with Bro’s team, “Dream Team Green”. After checking our standings and match-ups this week, it appears that Bro is going to finish tied for first place in the NFC division with a record of 8-6. I’m pretty bad at math but I’m pretty sure Bro is gonna slip into the #2 seed going into our playoffs and in doing so he’s also gonna snag a first round playoff bye. I can’t praise homeboy’s effort enough. Dude started off the season in the cellar with very little chance of climbing out and he’s done exactly that. Bro took a huge hit losing to me in week one and also losing his 1st round pick to injury for the first few weeks of the season but he kept plugging and lo and behold he’s grabbed himself a #2 seed in the playoffs. Bad…ass.
If it pleases the jury, I’d like to turn our attention to my fantasy team: Team Funk. If you recall, after our fantasy draft, I wasn’t too high on my team and even today I still lack confidence. It’s been a long year and up until a few weeks ago, I’ve pretty much avoided any devastating injuries to my team. However, I recently lost my starting QB in Matt Schaub…this has me extremely concerned with my chances going forward. All season long I’ve been squeaking out victories…I can’t even count how many weekly matchups I’ve won by less than 10 points…but despite my small margin of victory, I’ve managed a league-best 12-2 record. Team Funk have battled and worked their way into the #1 seed going into the playoffs. My blue collar crew of lunch-pail players have overachieved and are more than deserving of a first round bye to start the postseason. Even though I’m still extremely nervous about my team moving forward in the playoffs, I’m also incredibly proud of my boys for making it this far. Team Funk now has a 25% chance of winning it all…and while we may not be the most talented team left, I do think we have the most heart.
P.S. With Cro and Bro both earning Byes into the second round…your fearless leaders have a 50% chance of winning our fantasy league!
You look great. Have you lost weight? I like your new haircut. We wanted to call so many times but we just didn’t know what to say. The way we left things last time was just too weird. Basically what we’re trying to say is…sorry. We’re sorry we disappeared after promising it would never happen again. We’re sorry we’ve missed the majority of the NFL season. But most of all we’re sorry for naming our first child Jerry Sandusky Jones Edition Jones…it was weird on so many levels even before the whole child abuse thing. Mainly because our first child was a girl. Anywho, we really miss you. And this time we promise we’re not going anywhere. If you’re willing to trust that we’re back for realsies…we’re willing to be faster, stronger, and better than ever. And that’s a tentative promise.